Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me too 😆
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.