The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me