I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just why bro?!
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.