@themiltron

[the invention of knocking]

i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me

@themiltron

[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@themiltron

[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water

@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@themiltron

[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
“hmmm”

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@themiltron

i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*

@themiltron

[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there

@themiltron

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles