Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now