@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

@thenatewolf

*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

@thenatewolf

Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.

@thenatewolf

*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*

@thenatewolf

Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…

@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot