Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.