I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*limbos away from your hug*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.