Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
not seeing the problem
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries