Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thepaulahunt's best tweets

@thepaulahunt : Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches "go away" when people get too close. They're called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

@thepaulahunt: For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of "Hi. How are you?"

I reply, "Good. You?"

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he's just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

@thepaulahunt: Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don't you worry. It's just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

@thepaulahunt: My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you'd be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I'd probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@thepaulahunt: LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

@thepaulahunt: I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

@thepaulahunt: I am "I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch" years old.

@thepaulahunt: "May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money."

- Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

@thepaulahunt: Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He's not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@thepaulahunt: "Is he going to be my new dad?" - My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.