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Page of thepaulahunt's best tweets

@thepaulahunt : My sister: You're either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn't have.

Me: Either way, I'm getting bitten in the face.

@thepaulahunt: Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn't.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@thepaulahunt: Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

@thepaulahunt: I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel's song We Didn't Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

@thepaulahunt: Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches "go away" when people get too close. They're called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

@thepaulahunt: For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of "Hi. How are you?"

I reply, "Good. You?"

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he's just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

@thepaulahunt: Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don't you worry. It's just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

@thepaulahunt: My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you'd be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I'd probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@thepaulahunt: LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

@thepaulahunt: I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.