There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.