*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
The glockness monster
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement