I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.