Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If you are reading this then you are reading this
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash