Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
October already? What’s next? November????
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.