Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Monday?
No. Next question.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?