me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I enjoy a good short stor
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?