An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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bias laundering edition
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.