Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING