Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run