Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*