ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You Might Also Like
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?