Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
You Might Also Like
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single