“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Trumpy Cat
