When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay