Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.