Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.