Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
SF is the wild wild west man
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.