Yeah. This was me today.
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Selfie
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…