Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored