Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet