[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.