I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog