Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.