midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Jesus Christ lmao
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Practicing safe sax
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?