The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?