I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
In banana years, I am bread.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…