Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.