Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?