Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?