Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.