Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Found the job I’m suited for
Terribly Tuesday.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough