HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Everyone’s family
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.