Never ghost your hitman.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.