911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Jesus Christ lmao
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day