Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My love language is deader than Latin
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
buys donuts instead