Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.