[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.