Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.