Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.