Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.