If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.